Day One

Hello blog! It's been a few days.

This morning Ben got on a plane and left for Brazil.

Last night we said our goodbyes.

We spent the day together. I got there at 10am and I was trying real hard to be strong for him and I took one look at the open suitcases and I burst into tears. In a very Ben-like fashion, he just came over and held me, and let me cry it out. Later it became kind of nice, because while he would pack, I would write on the checklist and so I felt like I was a part of his experience, as I know now everything that's in those suitcases.

We caught some kisses as we went through his stuff. Planned what tie he would wear tomorrow, and on Christmas, and on my birthday. We were couple-y, and it was nice to just spend some time just us, thinking about our future and his mission.

Later we made lunch, and then some friends came over to spend our last time together. We basically just hung around and talked and joked because I think deep inside we were all wondering what it would be like without him. Ben has always been kind of the cornerstone of this group. Everybody looks up to him and respects him. We loved spending some good time together, although we were all trying to avoid the elephant in the room. (and I don't mean Noah.)

We took a short jaunt over to Noah's to watch the infamous "spoofs" that Taylor and Ben and Noah made as thirteen-year-olds. It was a riot! Who knew that they were once kids with little baby voices! Ah, they were so cute. The guys took all the embarrassment in stride while I busted a gut laughing over their ridiculous acting and the excess of directed stabbing people.

Then the time came for Ben and I to leave, as we were doing a favor for the Platts and wanted some extra time together. Ben had to say goodbye. It was completely and totally heartbreaking. You don't know love until you see the way Ben cares for people. He hugged them one by one for an especially long time, told them he loved them, and that he would see them soon. But Ben and Noah have been best friends since they were very small. To see them say goodbye.. wow. They were both trying to be strong but really didn't succeed. Ben was hurting and that put me and his mom in pain, and so we cried, and they cried, and everyone cried.

And we took a practically silent drive to where the rental car was. We talked slow, in low tones, and choked up every few minutes. It was so hard. I can still feel that moment.

Ben and I drove home together, and we held hands, and tried to console each other that everything would be okay, and we would be okay. Got home, and wrote thank you notes outside to the people who had generously donated to the Ben-is-poor fund.

Our time was down to thirty minutes, and we spent the last of it in his backyard. We prayed. We cried.

Our goodbye was a hug, a promise to write, a see you soon. Be safe. Trust the Lord. Make me proud. Work hard. I'll see you at Christmas. Another hug. A quick kiss. Hanging on to every last word, every glance of the man I love. It has to be the hardest thing I ever did to drive away from him and not look back.

I keep asking myself, why do we put ourselves through the pain of all of this? Why am I letting my heart get ripped out? Why am I making promises to see Ben in three years when we could be staying together?

I have to believe that this mission will be worth it! I have to believe that Ben and I will be able to bring people to the gospel and that their souls coming to the kingdom of God is worth every second that we will be apart. As we say, "see you later," we put all our faith in God that He will guide us and help us be instruments in His hands. We hope to become the faith-filled servants He sees in us. We know that the Lord does not abandon His children, but rather provides a way "that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7) We trust in the Lord. We trust that He will guide us. Every time I pray I know that God is aware of me, and I know He loves me.That is enough, if just for today.