To Remind Myself of the Goods in Life

The good things about today

1. Petticoats for my Anna dress
2. Short work shift
3. Cute shirts from Savers
4. Frozen
5. Episodes of Married at First Sight
6. Taylor
7. Emailing Ben
8. This blog
9. Putting on pajama pants
10. $2.71 tip
11. Tomorrow is Friday
12. Turkey burgers
13. Braids
14. My sister
15. Didn't have to fill the gas tank today
16. Tomorrow is a new day
17. Being reminded of Jesus Christ
18. Wearing the hope ring
19. Too many icecream tasters
20. Reading about Moroni

Level 1:Complete

Ah, blog. Today is Wednesday and you know what that means? Some random disorganized hump day thoughts.

1) Emails from my dear! It was long and full of information! YAY! It also made me cry. Awh. He's doing okay out there. He's safe, and though things aren't all blue skies, he's making it through the days, and his Portuguese is improving. The food is good. That's a plus. haha. I'm glad to hear from him, but also crushed because there's another infinitely long week before I talk to him again.


2) College sucks. It's so stressful, and complicated, and giving me a knot in my shoulder that's giving me a headache. I am worried and scared and just completely overwhelmed and it's fine. Ha!!! I have no idea what I'm doing, and I am just praying that it all works out!! Please! Let it all work out. It seems so...huge. I feel like I am standing on the precipice of some huge cliff with these giant iron hell doors in front of me and everyone is like, "Go ahead! Move forward! Everything will be fine!" Agh! I want to throw a two-year-old tantrum and I'm trying way too hard to be cool.


3) I am Superman. I took one of those dumb facebook quizzes and it made me feel cool about myself. I really like Superman. I think he's cool. "You are a compassionate, goodhearted person who actively tries to make the world a better, safer place and believe that others should use their talents for the same goal. You value hard work and good moral values, which can make you seem boring or uptight to some people. However, in reality people respect you for standing by your values and are inspired by your positive example. Sometimes you feel as if you are sacrificing your personal needs and wants because of your devotion to your moral and just causes, but you always find the strength to do the right thing. You are a charismatic and capable champion of your cause and help people to embrace it." #mycauseisJesus


4) I am all alone. My friends and I are still friends but without Ben, who was the foundation to our group, we've kinda fallen apart. Taylor is out of town this week. But yesterday cute Rachel came over and we had a nice long heart to heart like we normally do. She is so sweet and I'm grateful for her in my life. Despite her visit, and my endlessly patient mother, and my family, I still can't shake the feeling of being alone in my experience. Like I don't have anyone who really understands. Of course, Jesus understands.


5) I adore the scriptures. I look forward to my study every day!! It's been so great to go through the Book of Mormon again; it provides me so much comfort and strength. The people were so amazing and I'm so grateful for their example. Right now I'm reading about the armies of Moroni and how they protected themselves from their enemies by fighting for what was right, keeping their faith in God, and wearing armor. What armor are we wearing today? What things are we doing today to become stronger, to keep our aim set, and protect ourselves? Sincere prayer is a good option.

Day Four

I'm feeling proud of myself because today is Friday and I haven't seen my love since Monday and so far I've only sobbed uncontrollably three times been alright!

Yesterday I enjoyed a day with the family. We went down to the art museum to see a display of costumes worn by big name actors in relatively unknown movies. (Keira Knightly? Totally flatchested, just saying). The attention to detail was really awesome. My mom and sister being the seamstresses they are, buzzed over every tuck and pleat. Me? I fangirled over the incredible amounts of buttons, bows, and tulle. Which I love. Buttons. So many buttons. We stopped by two Jamba Juices and Krispy Kreme for treats.

So that was fun. Later I was invited out with friends, but all they could talk about was how "the beauty of women goes up 200% when you're on a mission," "That's why guys get married within three months of being home," and "So basically you're saying that a mission is prison!" I really didn't want to hear that kind of information, and so when they started to play an inappropriate game, I pulled a distressed-thirteen-year-old and called mommy to come get me. And then I cried went to bed.

You know, in the approximately seven months Ben and I have been dating, we haven't been apart longer than six days. I kid you not. Even when we were apart we still had goodnight and good morning texts to help make the time go by. So far, as things go, it's alright. Things are alright. Whenever it gets too scary or two overwhelming, I follow the counsel of Moroni to "pray with all the energy of heart," (Moroni 7:48) and the Lord hears me and brings a Spirit of Peace that doesn't necessarily make the pain go away but at least consoles me enough to help me make it through the next two hours. The only difficult part is that I feel so alone. Normally I would just call up my best friend and we would talk about it, and he would give me advice and tell me that everything is going to be okay, but now I feel like I can't even email him about it. None of my other friends really understand, and my family is sympathetic but getting sick of me. So I've got my Heavenly Father and that's about it.

But even now I'm being ungrateful. So. Yes. My Father in Heaven is taking care of me, I know He is. Through His strength I'll make it through. This blog is therapeutic also. That's enough for me, if just for today.

Day Two!

I am sure that anyone who reads this blog will think I'm bipolar. Don't worry! I'm not!

But I got my first letter today!!! He says he's safe, and fine, and everything is okay.

I know the Lord hears me, because I got my first letter so soon. He blesses me and lets me know that he's okay, that everything is going to be alright! I'm so grateful that everything is going according to plan so far. Ben already gave out a pass-along card. I knew he would be a great missionary. Gash, even though I've been so full of doubts and worries and pain, the Lord was still merciful and instead of chastising my lack of faith, blessed me instead. I am grateful to Him.

Temple with Taft today!! Yay for serving God after he has served me.

Day One

Hello blog! It's been a few days.

This morning Ben got on a plane and left for Brazil.

Last night we said our goodbyes.

We spent the day together. I got there at 10am and I was trying real hard to be strong for him and I took one look at the open suitcases and I burst into tears. In a very Ben-like fashion, he just came over and held me, and let me cry it out. Later it became kind of nice, because while he would pack, I would write on the checklist and so I felt like I was a part of his experience, as I know now everything that's in those suitcases.

We caught some kisses as we went through his stuff. Planned what tie he would wear tomorrow, and on Christmas, and on my birthday. We were couple-y, and it was nice to just spend some time just us, thinking about our future and his mission.

Later we made lunch, and then some friends came over to spend our last time together. We basically just hung around and talked and joked because I think deep inside we were all wondering what it would be like without him. Ben has always been kind of the cornerstone of this group. Everybody looks up to him and respects him. We loved spending some good time together, although we were all trying to avoid the elephant in the room. (and I don't mean Noah.)

We took a short jaunt over to Noah's to watch the infamous "spoofs" that Taylor and Ben and Noah made as thirteen-year-olds. It was a riot! Who knew that they were once kids with little baby voices! Ah, they were so cute. The guys took all the embarrassment in stride while I busted a gut laughing over their ridiculous acting and the excess of directed stabbing people.

Then the time came for Ben and I to leave, as we were doing a favor for the Platts and wanted some extra time together. Ben had to say goodbye. It was completely and totally heartbreaking. You don't know love until you see the way Ben cares for people. He hugged them one by one for an especially long time, told them he loved them, and that he would see them soon. But Ben and Noah have been best friends since they were very small. To see them say goodbye.. wow. They were both trying to be strong but really didn't succeed. Ben was hurting and that put me and his mom in pain, and so we cried, and they cried, and everyone cried.

And we took a practically silent drive to where the rental car was. We talked slow, in low tones, and choked up every few minutes. It was so hard. I can still feel that moment.

Ben and I drove home together, and we held hands, and tried to console each other that everything would be okay, and we would be okay. Got home, and wrote thank you notes outside to the people who had generously donated to the Ben-is-poor fund.

Our time was down to thirty minutes, and we spent the last of it in his backyard. We prayed. We cried.

Our goodbye was a hug, a promise to write, a see you soon. Be safe. Trust the Lord. Make me proud. Work hard. I'll see you at Christmas. Another hug. A quick kiss. Hanging on to every last word, every glance of the man I love. It has to be the hardest thing I ever did to drive away from him and not look back.

I keep asking myself, why do we put ourselves through the pain of all of this? Why am I letting my heart get ripped out? Why am I making promises to see Ben in three years when we could be staying together?

I have to believe that this mission will be worth it! I have to believe that Ben and I will be able to bring people to the gospel and that their souls coming to the kingdom of God is worth every second that we will be apart. As we say, "see you later," we put all our faith in God that He will guide us and help us be instruments in His hands. We hope to become the faith-filled servants He sees in us. We know that the Lord does not abandon His children, but rather provides a way "that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7) We trust in the Lord. We trust that He will guide us. Every time I pray I know that God is aware of me, and I know He loves me.That is enough, if just for today.

"Dress as a Cow or You Won't Get Your Dinner."

Freeee chick-fil-a day! My family went, and saw and conquered, all dressed as cows! It's so nice to have a day off work to spend time with the fam! I'm glad I'm related to such a lovely group of people (Although Ruth was kind of a grouch because she's tired) for time and all eternity!

Ben says I need to treasure the slow evenings at home because there aren't many left. I say, heck no! Our family is forever! My family is the one thing that will stay constant in all the craziness that is my life! Even when I move away, there will still be nights where we spend the evening on the couch, chatting occasionally and doing stuff on the internet. I'm sure we'll still get some time to sing Frozen in three part harmony, or to watch Master Chef together. Maybe not often, but sometimes. I know my mom will always be there when I need to chat about the injustice of how women are treated or ask her how in the heck to use my hand mixer. (cough cough, today..)  I know my dad will surprise me with kindness every once in awhile. I know my sister will always be one of my best friends, even if we never seem to really talk. And I know Jared will always be around to simultaneously annoy the heck out of me and look freakishly adorable. (Dang that kid)

Don't mind my whiteness haha

Wesley leaves for his mission next week!! His farewell is this Sunday! It depends on the day, honestly, how well I can cope with it all. But today is a good day! Wesley will do great serving in New Mexico, and I'm kinda excited to send out my first best friend on the first big adventure of his life. I'm so proud of my boys. So proud!

Sigh. Life comes at you so fast. But tonight, good food, good family, and pajama pants, that's enough for me. If just for today. :)

I'm Still Talking

I finished my last post and I thought, "There are still a lot of things I want to say." So I'm going to say them, haha.

I'm grateful to know that the Lord loves me, flaws and all. I don't have to change for Him, or be someone else. He loves me perfectly, no matter what. I am still striving to become better, to do better, but I like kneeling down and knowing that I'm talking to someone who loves me unconditionally.

My sister is still beautiful! I still adore her! Every day I'm more grateful that we've gotten so close over this summer. She's one of my best friends. I love being around her, even though she's a total dork! (I hope you're reading this, grrl.) She's so spunky and weird and lovely and I can't believe all that fits in one human personality. I love her.

Ben is the best boyfriend ever. He's so patient with me, and all my selfish feelings. He listens. He loves. He seeks to be closer to God. He is a magnificent soul. We've been spending a lot of time together lately too, and when I'm with him, I just feel safe. Time slows down for a minute, and all I can think about is my love for him. Sure, we're going through some hard times, and we squabble. We spend hours talking things through. At the end of the day, he always gives more of himself. Always! Give give give. He has this.. faith in us that sometimes I don't see. I wish I could be like him, so strong and trusting. I've been a total mess lately (as usual? haha) and he never blames me or complains. He just holds me on the doorstep. What a guy. What a guy!!

I love this blog. I love this laptop and the clicky sounds it makes when I write on this blog. Simple treasures.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. There's so much on my plate and I've just procrastinated all of it. It hasn't hit me yet, you know, that I'm leaving to live on my own soon and that I'm completely lacking life skills. I need to clean out my bedroom finally. And reschedule my college classes, and plans. Sigh. It's so overwhelming. I'll do better at that this week.

And by golly I love God! He's totally my best friend and confidant. I can't imagine life without His company and help. I know I can always talk to Him and that He listens and answers. Thank goodness for prayer. Thank goodness for mercy.

I think that's all now. At least for today, hahah

Such is Life

So I was working the other day and met this cute gal named Natalie. Somehow in the two and half months I've worked, we've never had a shift together. We got to know each other a little bit and lo and behold, she also has a missionary boyfriend going out within the next three weeks. I didn't know how much I really needed to talk about Ben's mission until I talked with her and it was a huge release! Keep that burden off my shoulders for a little while!! She was so kind and so cheerful; I really felt a sisterhood with her as we are experiencing the same big changes in our lives.

In the car on my way home, (because the car is a great place for me and God to talk, I've noticed) I was telling Him how grateful I was that I was able to meet someone and confide in someone who knew exactly what I'm going through: the pain, the joy, the hope, the worry, the sadness, the determination. And then the Spirit gave me a very obvious "oh wait" moment.

The Savior, of course, knows exactly what we are going through. He suffered human pain and emotion that He could know how to relate to us in our times of need. Alma 7:12 in the Book of Mormon reminds us, "he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." Jesus Christ feels my pain, and "[my] walls are continually before [Him]" (1 Nephi 21:16) because He loves me.

Ben is leaving in around sixteen days. Honestly, I'm feeling the pressure. We are always talking about it, trying to console ourselves, find peace,encourage each other, keep our relationship strong. It's hard. But I know I can do all things through Christ. This mission is a good thing. It will bless him as he goes out to serve and preach. Jesus Christ went below all things so that we don't have to. We don't have to be alone. He promises that as long as we seek to follow His commands, He will grant us the strength we need to perform them.

I know that Jesus Christ loves me, and that makes things all better, if just for today.