I was reading some other blogs today and I realized that I am really lacking in the eloquent and/or thought-provoking writing style. I'm going to try to write more maturely and concisely so that I make more sense for you and less sense for me!
...I'm already failing. Ha!!
So anyhow. I got my email and mini-chat session with Ben today! He's seeming a little more discouraged than he has before. He also said he just needed to talk with a real friend, so I think he probably needed to vent and get all that worry and frustration out of his system before heading back for another week. Which I can totally understand. (Sorry guys.)
Truth is, it's our eight month anniversary tomorrow! Happy anniversary to us! Eight months doesn't sound that long, but neither does three weeks, and it feels like Ben has been gone for an ETERNITY. Wow. Time is a fickle thing. It seems to run too fast when life is enjoyable, and then deliberately slows it's pace when things are less so. Either way, eight months is nothing to sneeze at, considering we lasted through the end of high school and through an (almost) month of mission! I hope we can last for a lot longer, but everything is so uncertain right now. I'm trying not to make promises, sad as it sounds.
I still love him. I love him more than I did eight months ago, when my head was whirling because he had finally kissed me. I love him more than I did three months ago, when he specifically took off work so he could come to see my final choir concert, which was so important to me. I love him more than I did three weeks ago when I was savoring every last moment before we said goodbye. It's probably good that I had no idea what I was getting into that day. It's been so hard without my best friend there to support me and comfort me as I'm going through such a huge life-changing step. But I'm being selfish again. After all that Ben has done for me, and all the hours he has put in for me, everything he's given up, every time he's compromised or been patient or forgiven me for something stupid, he deserves my attention and my prayers. The Lord needs him. The Lord needs him more than I need him right now. I forget to focus on the big picture, but I truly am so grateful that he is the kind of man who would put everything on hold to serve his God, and to serve other people. He is such a good example and inspiration to me. I know God is blessing both of us, and God will help us to do hard things.
Oh and besides all of this crap I'm leaving for college on Friday. Have I mentioned I'm totally freaking out?! I'm totally FREAKING OUT. There are so many variables in this huge, complication equation called college; I don't know what to do with myself! How do I plan if I have no idea what to expect? It drives me nuts! I feel like I'm almost as prepared as I could be physically, but I am nowhere near where I need to be emotionally. If you know me, you know that being emotionally balanced is the most important thing of all! Gee. And the anticipation is killing me. I just want it to be over with, and then whatever happens, happens. I can deal with things in the moment. Planning and waiting and planning and waiting is less helpful! I have resorted to my breathing exercises for my anxiety. If this doesn't give me a panic attack, nothing will.
I have been so negative this post! There are three amazing blessings I would like to touch on! One, is my dear practically-brother Taylor. He is going to Snow College with me and can I just say I am so grateful to at least have one friend that I can count on to take with me. He has been supportive and patient and overall very wonderful and Kaitlin-tolerating lately, even though I'm a bit of a mess. Two, is my dear family. Between my ridiculous and loving sister, my overprotective mom, and my gentle support of a dad, (also Jared the comic relief) I really have it made. I should have nothing to worry about because my family has been planning and helping and doing wonderful things to make the transition easier. Where would we be without family?! Nowhere I tell you! Nowhere! Finally, the temple. A wonderful, clean, quiet place of peace where I can just... breathe. I love Oquirrh Mountain, I really do. It was great to go there today. Yeah... nice. Real nice.
So the Lord makes sure there is a way through all my crap. He is so good to me, to us. I'm grateful for the little things that my Father in Heaven gives me, my tender mercies to get through the day. I'm glad that I blog about all this stuff because I realize what a hand He has had in my life after I write about it all. Another blessing from a benevolent Father. :)
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