Both Temporal and Spiritual

The crazy thing about the human brain is that it needs constant prompting to retain memory. If you avoid math for a couple months and then you sit back down to do a problem, it's twice as difficult as it was previously. You stop calling an old friend, and then you slowly forget why you loved them so much in the first place. First the details dissipate, and then the emotions dull.  Eventually a vivid and life-changing experience becomes just another memory, like a dusty forgotten oil painting in the basement closet.

For six months I've been desperately fighting dusty-oil-painting syndrome, and I've actively tried to remember things about my other half while he's on his mission in Brazil. Things like the way his voice sounds when he's concerned, his grin, the wrinkles 'round his eyes, the placement of his freckles; all those romantic little -isms that makes Ben uniquely himself. Why is this relevant? Well on Christmas day I got the best present of all. For a glorious hour, I got to Skype with him and his family. (In his exact words, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only on a screen.")

It was the weirdest thing! Because the moment I saw his (handsome) face, as soon as I heard his voice, it was as familiar as ever. It was like he hadn't even left, because I perfectly remembered everything about him in an instant, and it came like a flood of total affection for him. When he laughed about something his sister said, it was.. I don't even know how to describe it! Perfectly, exactly how it was. I remembered the exact cadence of his laugh. Every little thing about Ben, it all came back to me. It was amazing, truly. It felt completely and totally natural, like getting back in the old swing of things.

I say this because I've learned quite a bit about the nature of God the Father from this experience. As a Latter-day Saint of the Church of Jesus Christ, I know that we lived before this earth as spirits, with Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, Jesus Christ, and our other spirit brothers and sisters. When we came to Earth as babies, we were given a veil of forgetfulness so we would forget our pre-earth life. We believe that someday, we will have the veil lifted and we will all be able to remember who we were before, and recognize God for who He really is- our Father.

I feel that if we were to see God today, we would recognize Him. We would remember perfectly all our interactions with Him from our pre-mortal life. Without hesitation, we would embrace Him as we remember every loving moment or time of instruction we had with Him before. We would never want to leave His side as we realized with full understanding how much we really loved and missed this man. Just as I recognized Ben in a heartbeat, we would also recognize our Father. Just as being with Ben was comforting and filled a hole in my heart, so also would a moment with our Father in Heaven comfort us and remind us of who we are. We would remember inside jokes, we would remember hard decisions, and we would remember His guiding hand that had always been present. We would suddenly understand why we experiencing the difficulties of life. We would be filled with a fullness of love and a sense of direction. The current prophet of our church, President Thomas S. Monson gives this truth, "I am certain we left our Father with an overwhelming desire to return to Him, that we might gain the exaltation He planned for us and which we ourselves so much wanted."

But just because we have the veil and do not remember presently our relationship with God the Father, it does not mean that He has forgotten His relationship with us. President Monson continues, "He did not send us here without direction and guidance. Rather, He has given us the tools we need and he will assist us as we seek His help." (Ponder the Path of Thy Feet, Nov. 2014 Ensign) Just as Ben continually sends me letters of encouragement and expresses his love for me each week in email, our Father also sends us messages of hope, love, and peace through the scriptures, inspired leaders, and the Holy Spirit. He will never leave us alone. He will never leave us comfortless. He loves you with a mighty love.

So we see that the Lord has an awesome way of teaching me truth through trial. This mission is honestly the best decision we could have made. I'm grateful for such a guy in my life; he builds me up and offers his complete and honest love. I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost that is able to teach me all of these truths in a way that is much simpler than me explaining it in a blog. I hope everyone could follow all that. God loves us. That's enough, if just for today. :)

The reference to the title can be found here. (v. 41)

A Leap of Faith

Today I woke up and I thought I knew what I was doing with my life.

Within thirty minutes of eating breakfast, I was in major crisis mode.
Five minutes later, I had no idea what path my life would take.

And an hour after that, I was right back on track. New life plan. Modified life plan.

I'm imagining that someone will come up to me one day and ask me to lead a crash course for young people making life-changing decisions. The first principle I'm going to make them aware of is the 3 Second Make-It-Or-Break-It Big Bang Choice-eroo.

Take it like this. Say you're planning on staying a summer semester at school and suddenly you realize that you can take all your courses online and live at home and potentially save thousands of dollars for the price of living at home for a few extra months. What should you do first? Obviously a very big decision sits in front of you, with money and education and your mental health on the line! How do you make such a decision?

Now it's probably wise to write out the pros and cons. Then you should think seriously about how the choices will affect you in the future, and contrast that outcome with where you really want to be headed. Then you should consult your mother. ALWAYS consult your mother before changing your life. You should wrap all of this up with a good prayer. ALWAYS consult the Lord before changing your life.

Ultimately all your preparation and pondering will come down to three solitary seconds.  That is when you make up your mind based off all the knowledge you have, and you make a big choice. It's that moment Harry decided to confront Voldemort alone. It's the moment Hiccup reached to touch Toothless. It's the moment when Rapunzel jumped from her tower to an unknown world. It's the moment Nephi decided that heck yes, he was going to build that boat. It's terrifying, yes. It's a horrible, gut-wrenching, second-guessing feeling. You have no idea what the outcome will be, or whether it was right or wrong or good or not good or genius or ludicrous. BUT! You follow through. You press through all that self-doubt and make that choice.

And then you take a little breather and realize that you just started another chapter in your book.

We recognize that this flawed, uncomfortable style of decision making happens often as you grow. A wise woman offered this advice: "You can change the entire course of your life in one day." If that isn't pressure I don't know what is. After mulling it over all day, I've deduced that two probing questions come from understanding this concept, the first being: if you could change your life in one day, what would you do? Quickly following that: what are you doing with yourself today that will change the future?

Confession: I'm awful at this. I'm just trying to figure it out. How do I make things better today? How can I be brave today? How can I change the world today? It's all overwhelming. I'll let you know when I find a good solution. All I know for now, is that I pray, ask God to guide my feet, and take another step into the dark. So far so good right? That's enough, if just for today.

The reference to the title can be found here. Make your own inferences.

Do You Remember The Shire, Mr. Frodo?

"Kaitlin, do you wanna play?"
I laughed and scoffed. "Heavens no. I suck at this game, you guys know that! I'm going to lose!"
"Who cares?"
"Just play!"
"Don't make fun of me, alright?"
"We would never make fun."
"Never. Ever. Ever."
"Shut up! Liars!" Despite their claims to innocence, we all knew they would make fun when I ended up in twelfth place. They coaxed me into it anyhow- by some mix of charm and pure peer pressure- and toss me a controller, and I'd pick Peach like I always do. If you're going to be the only girl in a group of guys, you might as well choose the most feminine MarioKart racer there is.

Inevitably I would drive off the track, and they would tease me, and I would bully them right back. I would end up in last place after 6 races and then like a lightswitch their harassing would change its tune. Caught up in the game, they yelled advice and encouragement, and offered consoling words when I lost. Eventually I would give up, and snuggle into Ben's embrace and hand off my controller to someone who could do a better job than I did.

"Good job, Kaitlin!"
"You got eleventh that time! Could be worse!"
"You only drove off the course twice!!! That's a record!"

Safe in Ben's arms, I could watch the rest of the gaming like an old football fan watches the NFL, or like Statler and Waldorf watch the Muppets: an interesting mix of excessive support and rude commentary. Inside jokes were tossed around like candy, candy was passed around like gossip, and gossip didn't exist. We were happy. We partied hardcore. We were probably the biggest losers in the school. But nothing mattered, and these guys were my life preserver in the sea of seventeen-year-old life.

It's nights like tonight, when part of me wants to be with those guys watching the premiere of the Hobbit, that I feel a deep sense of loss. I don't even know the price I would pay to relive one of those stupid nights when nothing happened, and time stood still.

Still I know that the work they are doing now has much more valuable rewards than getting on the podium after three races. Eternal life, the joy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, life lessons, selfless service and a strengthened belief in God's love are blessings awaiting my boys now. I, myself, am involved in worthy pursuits. I'm proud of them. Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change a thing! There is no better place than Mexico or Brazil or Thailand or even Arizona. Still that selfish part of me wants them to be home when I knock, so we can head to the basement for a sucky movie and a good chat. Part of me just aches, and its an ache without salve or solution. It just is.

I love them so much.

The reference from the title can be found
here.
Make your own inferences. 

Happy Anniversary

Temple Square Round 1: 2012

Two years ago, December 2012, Ben took me out to Temple Square for our second date. We were sixteen and not very experienced in dating. For example, I spilled pineapple and cheese down my front at dinner.  Later, we were in line for the Cristus statue and he blurted the line, "I think you're hot!" Blushing as he realized the what he had said, he quickly followed up with, "I mean, spiritually hot!!" (If he knew I was blogging about this he would facepalm and tell me to get over it. But I'm never getting over it, muahahaha!!) Incredibly, I managed to top that awkward moment when I tried to hold his hand on the ride home, and he promptly dropped it and scooted over. In review, I realize it was not the most classy event in the world.

Temple Square Round 2: 2013

Somehow that stupid, wonderfully horrible date has become part of our story, and kind of sets the tone for our relationship- klutzy and awkward. Kidding! But really, Ben is a suck up around adults. He's got the dumbest sense of humor, founded mostly on bad puns. He has a knack for teasing me mercilessly

. But it's for these reasons that Ben is my best friend; I love everything about the guy. He's brave, he's sincere, and gentle and human and caring. He's humble and quick to forgive. He lights up when kids are in the room. He is patient, hopeful, and hard-working. I have learned so much from him. He has truly taught me what selfless love is.

Here we are, December 2014, and two years ago I never imagined what would happen in the coming months. Ben's on a different continent, courageously serving our Lord and the good people of Brazil. I'm at Snow College, pretending like I know what it's like to be an adult. We've left behind kisses by the reflection pool on Temple Square, "spiritually hot" jokes, and constant texting. In fact, I haven't heard his voice in six months. Heck, he doesn't even speak English anymore! Ridiculous! It has been one heck of a roller-coaster. The craziest part: I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Regardless of what the future brings, Ben influenced who I am. In fact,  he's helped me be better than I could be on my own. I think our relationship was one of the best decisions I fell into. So here's to three years of friendship, one year of dating, six months of a mission, and a whole lifetime of adventures ahead of us.

 

Made With Love

Right now, the kitchen is bustling with roommates selflessly giving of their substance and their talents to make a good dinner. Stirring pasta sauce, boiling water, making desserts and vegetables,they are laughing and talking as they work together. Christmas stockings line the walls. Paper snowflakes adorn the ceiling. Everyone is wearing red and green- a mix of pajamas, church clothes, and DI finds. There's something magical about this scene.

I don't know whether its the selfless service of the girls involved, or the sparkle of the Christmas season that fills my heart with happiness as I watch. Maybe it is the real, deep love I have for these ladies. They have become so much more than roommates. They have become sisters, my confidantes and my best friends. We have struggled through growing pains and accidents, but we have changed for the better, and it has cultivated a bright love and trust between us.

We agree that Apartment One was divinely orchestrated. We know that we needed to be here, in this five-room space. We needed to laugh over the creaking floors, the unwashed oven, the always-in-need-of-sweeping tile. We needed to be together. Each girl contributes a unique quality, a certain vibrancy that collectively affects us. I have learned so much from each individual beauty here. In a weird way, this has become a sacred place for me, with these girls as my angels. They have truly changed me for the better.

Though the road to perfection stretches far in front of us, it can't be denied that this experience has been part of God's infinite Plan. I have never loved people the way I love the members of Apartment One, and I'm grateful for the tender mercies that He has given me, sometimes through the mask of trial. They are God's beautiful daughters. He loves them, just as I do. I can never thank Him enough for His gift of their company. And also grateful that there's another semester of fun ahead of us.