A White Dress

Sooo blog long time no talk. Life has been busy, and with the copy jobs never ending at OfficeMax and the rest of my time being sucked away through poor planning and sleep, I haven't had much time to write. And I don't know if I have much to say, really.

Last Wednesday I was given the gifts I've been yearning to receive for years. Sufficient preparation, a signed recommend and some sincere prayer brought me to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple that sunny morning. I had my sweet mother on my right side and my heart on my sleeve and everything else in my bag, haha! God bless the women who guided me and made me feel like a princess. I had no idea what I was doing, I had no idea what was going on, and still I felt peace. I attribute a lot of that peace to an answer to prayer, but I think the answer to my prayer came through those beautiful women.

Due to the sacredness of the nature of the temple, I will not disclose much of what happened while I was there. But a few things I will say, starting with this: I was grateful to have my mom and dad with me. I'm grateful for their patience and their willingness to support me. I was grateful to know that my dearest friends have also gone through the temple. I was grateful for an abundance of tiny little things that made the whole day go smoother, because I know those were little I-love-you's from God.  And I was really grateful that I'll have the opportunity to go back, because most of it went over my head! Ha!

I would like to share the best part of my temple experience on Wednesday. I was in a beautiful dressing room, and I put on a white dress. As I looked in the mirror, I saw myself differently than I ever have before. You know when you go to take a selfie, and the lighting is just right and you feel you've gotten your best angle, and you know that you're gonna be posting that baby right on Instagram, no filter needed? This was kind of like that feeling except times one billion. I felt beautiful, but beautiful with added depth. It was a feeling of acceptance, and understanding, and knowledge, and overwhelming love and I have no idea how to describe it. If a blooming rose could be a feeling, this was it. If a bird flying through the blue skies could be a feeling, this was it. It was enough to make me cry on a regular day, except I was too full of joy to cry. I felt completely accepted for who I am. I felt completely confident in my talents. I felt like I had a reason to be here. I felt so beautiful, and I felt whole.


That is what God's love feels like.

It basically blows my mind. I only got a tiny part of what it's like to be an eternal being and heck, if it feels like that I'm sold. For like, ever.

I want everyone in the whole world to have that feeling. So I guess I'll go on a mission.....

;)

When You're Asked To Do More Than You Think You Can Do

The other day I was in Famous Footwear, mission shopping for the umpteenth time with my mother. We had just returned a bunch of flats that weren't going to work for the mission, and we were on our way to look for another sturdy pair for when I'm walking the streets of rural Paraguay. As we walked to the back of the store, we passed rows and rows of summery sandals, lacey oxfords, and my favorite, a very classic, red, three-inch heel. As we looked, my sweet mom handed me a pair of shoes. If you can imagine classic sister missionary shoes, these were it. Black suede with a thick sole and a heavy tread. They were no doubt, the ugliest, most disgusting flats I have ever seen. "Try them on." So I did. I put them on and I realized they fit, they were comfortable, and they were on clearance. (If you've ever been mission shopping, you know at that point, the sale has already been made.) And as I strapped them on, I looked up and I saw the red pumps, in all their slender, curvaceous glory. This is going to sound so stupid, but I just started to cry. I don't know! I just looked at those beautiful shoes and I looked down at the clunky unfeminine ones I was wearing and the difference just made me lose it. My poor mom had been dealing with me all this time and she just let me have a minute without really making a big deal, but I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been for her, her daughter crying about heels in the shoe store.

I feel lately I've been asked to do a lot of things that are difficult, all at once. And I'm expected to move forward with a smile on my face. Sometimes I don't want to smile about it, dangit! Ha! It's hard! It's hard for me to think about serving in Paraguay, and knowing that I'm giving up everything. I kind of had a concept when I signed up for this that I would be giving up a lot of stuff for my mission-- my family, my friends, time for my education, things like that. I didn't realize I would also be giving up short hair, home security, personal space, the ability to wear pants, cultural adeptness, confidence in myself, and those perfect red shoes!

And I guess that any rational person would realize this, but I didn't! I didn't. To me, putting in my mission papers was more about showing my love to my God and fulfilling a goal I've had my entire life. I knew I was signing up for an experience, but I didn't understand the sacrifice. I'm sure I still don't understand the extent of the sacrifice-- I haven't seen the size of my suitcases yet. It's a lot to put on my own plate. I'm 18. I don't know anything. I don't know if I can do this.

So I'm trying to not think about it! I'm trying to focus on why I decided to go on a mission in the first place: I love the Savior Jesus Christ. I love Him. I love the Father.

And that's gotta be enough! I just hope that someday I look back and read this post and I kind of laugh to myself. I hope that I look back and I laugh and I say, "What I gained was so much better than wearing red heels." Elder Platt is a big believer in hope. He's excellent at it. If he was here, he would say something about how I have to have hope that the Lord has a better plan and we'll be better for it. I hope that I will be changed by the mission, and that, through the Father's great work, others will be changed by me. Hymn number 29 sings, "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven."

Let's hope one of those blessings comes in the form of cute shoes.