I was about to post the lyrics to this song by Matchbox 20 but then I realized they weren't exactly coinciding with the message I wanted to send today. Ha!
Today it's a lovely Saturday- thank goodness for Saturdays, by the way- so I spent the morning looking back. It's kind of amazing that I was prompted to start writing this blog when I did. I started writing as soon as I started this new part of my life when everything began changing. I was rereading through my first blog posts and reading some of the first letters Ben sent me from the MTC. Seeing how God's hand has played out in our lives and how He has molded us into who we are today, wow oh wow have we grown. It was a weird blast to the past.
I don't even know the person I was. She talks like me. She writes like me. She shares my memories. But I don't remember being her. I don't remember smiling for the heck of it. I don't remember being that... little! Ha! My mom is going to read this post and she's going to think to herself, "Kaitlin, you're still the same person. I see very few changes in you." But I feel like I've grown so so much! You know, this week I set up a list of things to do, every single one designed to throw me out of my comfort zone. And if you're a competent adult, you would look at my list and you would not see anything out of the ordinary, but for me this list is liberation. I've accomplished so many hard things! I'm feeling so proud of myself. I am not the weepy girl I was six months ago. I'm not! I'm braver. I'm smarter. I still have a knack for crying, admittedly, but at least I've come to accept it as part of me!
I've been struggling with finding out who I am. I was caught up in the past, and I wanted to rediscover the old me, the "happy me" as I called her. She was sure of herself and her future. She laughed louder. She didn't have responsibilities. But as I look back I'm realizing that maybe I don't want to be "happy me". Maybe I want to be someone new! Maybe I want to be someone stronger, someone smarter, someone a little more exciting than "happy me"! Maybe I want to be someone wiser, someone ready for change! Maybe I want to be someone kinder, someone compassionate, someone a little more skilled in the ways of the world!
If there's anything I've learned from the past six months, it's that God is a God of progression. The whole point of His divine Plan of Happiness is that we can grow and learn and become. Change is by no means comfortable but it is necessary. Elder Dallin H Oaks gave a great talk called "The Challenge to Become." Look it up. He suggests that Heavenly Father wants us to achieve all that we are capable of through Him. God wants us to succeed and be happy but He also wants us to grow, and sometimes we have to go through what Elder Oaks calls the "furnace of affliction" in order to become something better. College has definitely been my refining fire. This is sounding more and more like a Sunday school lesson, so let me add my own twist to it:
Sometimes we need to let go of the past. Sometimes we need to let go of the who-I-was, how-things-were kind of attitude. In my yoga class we learn to "live in the present moment." Take a deep breath and just release all of the wishing and wanting. I think it's time to embrace "brave me" and let "happy me" live in my memories. I need to be able to shed a skin. I'm still Kaitlin. But I'm better now, different now. And that's okay. I don't need to be constantly trying to fit back into my old skin. I can just be a new snake. This is getting to be a really horrible analogy, but I hope you understand the gist of what I'm trying to say. Let's welcome change, and let's accept that newer, better version of ourselves.
It's okay to move forward.
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