I was about to post the lyrics to this song by Matchbox 20 but then I realized they weren't exactly coinciding with the message I wanted to send today. Ha!
Today it's a lovely Saturday- thank goodness for Saturdays, by the way- so I spent the morning looking back. It's kind of amazing that I was prompted to start writing this blog when I did. I started writing as soon as I started this new part of my life when everything began changing. I was rereading through my first blog posts and reading some of the first letters Ben sent me from the MTC. Seeing how God's hand has played out in our lives and how He has molded us into who we are today, wow oh wow have we grown. It was a weird blast to the past.
I don't even know the person I was. She talks like me. She writes like me. She shares my memories. But I don't remember being her. I don't remember smiling for the heck of it. I don't remember being that... little! Ha! My mom is going to read this post and she's going to think to herself, "Kaitlin, you're still the same person. I see very few changes in you." But I feel like I've grown so so much! You know, this week I set up a list of things to do, every single one designed to throw me out of my comfort zone. And if you're a competent adult, you would look at my list and you would not see anything out of the ordinary, but for me this list is liberation. I've accomplished so many hard things! I'm feeling so proud of myself. I am not the weepy girl I was six months ago. I'm not! I'm braver. I'm smarter. I still have a knack for crying, admittedly, but at least I've come to accept it as part of me!
I've been struggling with finding out who I am. I was caught up in the past, and I wanted to rediscover the old me, the "happy me" as I called her. She was sure of herself and her future. She laughed louder. She didn't have responsibilities. But as I look back I'm realizing that maybe I don't want to be "happy me". Maybe I want to be someone new! Maybe I want to be someone stronger, someone smarter, someone a little more exciting than "happy me"! Maybe I want to be someone wiser, someone ready for change! Maybe I want to be someone kinder, someone compassionate, someone a little more skilled in the ways of the world!
If there's anything I've learned from the past six months, it's that God is a God of progression. The whole point of His divine Plan of Happiness is that we can grow and learn and become. Change is by no means comfortable but it is necessary. Elder Dallin H Oaks gave a great talk called "The Challenge to Become." Look it up. He suggests that Heavenly Father wants us to achieve all that we are capable of through Him. God wants us to succeed and be happy but He also wants us to grow, and sometimes we have to go through what Elder Oaks calls the "furnace of affliction" in order to become something better. College has definitely been my refining fire. This is sounding more and more like a Sunday school lesson, so let me add my own twist to it:
Sometimes we need to let go of the past. Sometimes we need to let go of the who-I-was, how-things-were kind of attitude. In my yoga class we learn to "live in the present moment." Take a deep breath and just release all of the wishing and wanting. I think it's time to embrace "brave me" and let "happy me" live in my memories. I need to be able to shed a skin. I'm still Kaitlin. But I'm better now, different now. And that's okay. I don't need to be constantly trying to fit back into my old skin. I can just be a new snake. This is getting to be a really horrible analogy, but I hope you understand the gist of what I'm trying to say. Let's welcome change, and let's accept that newer, better version of ourselves.
It's okay to move forward.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Half Poetic, Half Pitiful
Who am I?
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
Where should I go next?
How can I accomplish this?
Is this what I'm supposed to be choosing?
I wonder if all young adults feel like this. I wonder if all adults feel like this. Sometimes I feel like a road trip without a destination. Sometimes I feel like a tree with no roots. Most of the time I'm terrified. I try to remember that all good books have moments like this. Stumped. Writer's block. No idea what's going to happen next; it could be any number of things!
I carry all my stress in my right shoulder, just like my mom. I wish the sun would come back because it's easier to make hard decisions when it's a tomato-growing temperature. In fact, it's easier to do most anything when you don't have to wear a coat.
It's a battle between the inner hero and the inner coward. The two halves of me are constantly butting heads, debating pros and cons, whether to give priority to head or heart. It's easier to make hard decisions when you are sure of yourself. I would not classify myself as "sure" in any way shape or form.
Every good book has a great ending.
One step at a time.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
Where should I go next?
How can I accomplish this?
Is this what I'm supposed to be choosing?
I wonder if all young adults feel like this. I wonder if all adults feel like this. Sometimes I feel like a road trip without a destination. Sometimes I feel like a tree with no roots. Most of the time I'm terrified. I try to remember that all good books have moments like this. Stumped. Writer's block. No idea what's going to happen next; it could be any number of things!
I carry all my stress in my right shoulder, just like my mom. I wish the sun would come back because it's easier to make hard decisions when it's a tomato-growing temperature. In fact, it's easier to do most anything when you don't have to wear a coat.
It's a battle between the inner hero and the inner coward. The two halves of me are constantly butting heads, debating pros and cons, whether to give priority to head or heart. It's easier to make hard decisions when you are sure of yourself. I would not classify myself as "sure" in any way shape or form.
Every good book has a great ending.
One step at a time.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Of Broken Bears and Railroad Safety
Yesterday as I browsed Pinterest, I mindlessly twirled my keys around my fingers. I was reflecting on my Christmas, because as Spring Semester starts on Monday, and therefore break is quickly coming to an end. Although I'm stressed about the new responsibilities and new schedule, I know everything will settle itself in time. During my three weeks off, I got to visit old friends from high school, spend time with the Platt family, party with my extended family and cousins, catch up with my dad and mi familia in Ogden, and of course, hang out with my sweet family in Herriman. Seeing all these people who I love really allowed me to recharge my batteries; it was overall a very relaxing and enjoyable few weeks. I looked a little more intently at my jingly keys.
I have four keys and three keychains that I carry with me. The first a bronze one with a stamped "1" on the head: my key to get into my little run down apartment in Ephraim. Next there's a little silver one, the key to get into my dad's house in Ogden- he keeps the door locked. After that there's a scratched up car key, the biggest of the bunch, and finally there's a bronze house key, and although I bent it accidentally a couple months ago, it still opens the doors. My keychains are all dumb things that I've gotten from various activities in high school: a yellow one warning about railroad safety, a circle with the Salt Lake Temple on it that I got from seminary, and a little bear that I picked up in Yellowstone. Poor guy is missing both legs now.
My keys represent all the different aspects of my life. They represent my past and my present. They are unique to me; they've become a sort of collection of who I am. They open doors to many places where I have made memories. Every place holds the promise of people who I love. My families, my roommates, my friends.
As I was thinking about this, the Holy Ghost prompted me to realize that my key ring is the Gospel. My key ring holds all my keys, and all my keychains. It is what keeps all my keys together, so I don't lose them. It keeps the keys in one place. The Church is not a key, because that would make it separate from the other keys. Rather, it is the binding force between all of my different things. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints provides comfort and continuity between all my different responsibilities and relationships. Like a key ring, the gospel is eternally round. It doesn't begin or end. It will always be there, through the exchange of new keys and the passing on of obsolete ones. It is simple and useful and lovely. One simple ring to carry so many important things.
I'm grateful that the Church is the same no matter where I go. I'm grateful I'm the same no matter where I go, because the gospel helps me understand who I am and what I need to be. That's enough, if just for today. :)
I have four keys and three keychains that I carry with me. The first a bronze one with a stamped "1" on the head: my key to get into my little run down apartment in Ephraim. Next there's a little silver one, the key to get into my dad's house in Ogden- he keeps the door locked. After that there's a scratched up car key, the biggest of the bunch, and finally there's a bronze house key, and although I bent it accidentally a couple months ago, it still opens the doors. My keychains are all dumb things that I've gotten from various activities in high school: a yellow one warning about railroad safety, a circle with the Salt Lake Temple on it that I got from seminary, and a little bear that I picked up in Yellowstone. Poor guy is missing both legs now.
My keys represent all the different aspects of my life. They represent my past and my present. They are unique to me; they've become a sort of collection of who I am. They open doors to many places where I have made memories. Every place holds the promise of people who I love. My families, my roommates, my friends.
As I was thinking about this, the Holy Ghost prompted me to realize that my key ring is the Gospel. My key ring holds all my keys, and all my keychains. It is what keeps all my keys together, so I don't lose them. It keeps the keys in one place. The Church is not a key, because that would make it separate from the other keys. Rather, it is the binding force between all of my different things. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints provides comfort and continuity between all my different responsibilities and relationships. Like a key ring, the gospel is eternally round. It doesn't begin or end. It will always be there, through the exchange of new keys and the passing on of obsolete ones. It is simple and useful and lovely. One simple ring to carry so many important things.
I'm grateful that the Church is the same no matter where I go. I'm grateful I'm the same no matter where I go, because the gospel helps me understand who I am and what I need to be. That's enough, if just for today. :)
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